I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Randomize
