he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
