He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
