Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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