If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
