My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
