she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize