Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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