that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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