If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
