Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
