planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
