Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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