Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
