She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
