This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
