Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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