she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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