My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
