I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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