I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
