dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
