Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize