I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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