Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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