I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
