if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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