The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
