dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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