Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
no, he came in my armpit
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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