I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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