My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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