I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I would ride that face into the sunset
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