We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
