What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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