I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
