My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
barbara walters just said penis...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
