Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
