The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
