If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
