I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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