I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
