I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
