Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
