my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Randomize
