When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
