Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
