I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
