He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
