piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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