i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
