I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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