what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
