I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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