So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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