Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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